To listen to this week's podcast click here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2324960/episodes/15986478-marriage-talk-the-talk-together-episode-31.mp3?download=true
Alright, today, we are diving into the second session of Wil Lake's book Togetherness: Couples Living Life Better Together, which deals with “talking together.”
I love that this book's practical applications begin with communication—as communication truly is key to success in general. Whether we are talking about marriage, work, school, friends, or parents, whatever the situation or relationship, the ability to communicate well is the foundation of success. Effective communicators excel and those who don't—well, let's just say they are often misunderstood.
Now, I must share that at the very beginning of my relationship with my husband, we had some communication challenges- to start on our second official date, the night ended rather tensely. You see, after we returned from seeing a movie, I was dropping him off at the barracks, and as we were saying goodbye, he very matter-of-factly asked, "Do you wanna get down?" Instantly, I'm offended and he's lucky I didn't slap his face, and instead, I replied- “How dare you- I’m not that kind of girl.” At which point, he gets the most curious look on his face- like stunned bewilderment. He apologized and replied, "I'm sorry. I just meant, would you like to come in and hang out?" You see, where he is from in Louisiana, this is a common expression of inviting someone into your home, and me coming from Virginia to "get down" meant something entirely different! Thankfully, the miscommunication was quickly resolved, and I gave him another chance!
Over the course of our married life, we've had to learn some hard lessons about communication, and you know what, we are still learning!!! At this stage, we are learning to communicate God's way and why it matters.
Because words truly have power! Proverbs 18:21 says, "The tongue has the power of life and death.” Words can build up and tear down. They can change the environment in a room, pierce a person's soul, and leave a lasting imprint – positive or negative.
And marriages can be destroyed with words!
Now, what I find so interesting is that the Bible actually gives us a powerful glimpse into the motivations behind proper communications in marriage. So, today, I'd like to talk about what is unique to women and men and then the commonalities.
So, let’s start with women (and if I have any men listening right now- this is the part you really want to pay attention to!)
Proverbs 18:22 (NLT) is a great verse written to husbands: "The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord."
Treasure is valuable it’s something that you seek and when you find it- well, it's worth guarding, protecting, and taking care.
So, husbands, do you treat your guns, cars, toys, or gear more carefully than your wife? Is your wife your ultimate treasure, which you extremely value? Do you guard and protect her from things that could harm or damage her? Do you cherish her with adoration and care above all else?
Lake, Wil. Togetherness: Couples Living Life Better Together (pp. 36-37). WestBow Press.
Husbands, let me share a secret with you…. your wife’s greatest need is to know that she is loved and cherished ABOVE everything and everyone else in your life. I believe this is why Scripture says that husbands should love their wives like Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. Ephesians 5:28 says, "In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
Gentlemen, this meets your wife’s greatest need.
So, what does this look like in communication with your wife?
First, you need to understand that your wife needs non-sexual affection for her heart to be full, as it conveys care, importance, and concern. There will be many times when your wife is not seeking a solution to a problem; rather, she just wants you to listen and have a two-way conversation. There will be other times when she needs conversations that involve your thinking, feeling, and doing. Deep conversations that convey your hopes, dreams, aspirations, and what your future looks like together!
Guys, if you are to be the spiritual leader in your home, the keyword is leader, and a leader that doesn't communicate anything of value isn't a leader that anyone would want to follow!
It's funny. I heard a counselor once say that a wife's basic need is to be heard. To be heard is to feel loved. He would tell his couples this truth, and many husbands would reply, "Oh man, then she really will never stop talking." To which the counselor responds, "No, she talks nonstop because she doesn't feel heard."
Truth Bomb!
(Guys, if you stick with me- I’ll share some tips at the end that will help you communicate with your wives’ better.)
For now, let's move on to the husband. And ladies, this is super important, and I hate to admit that it's taken me over 20 years to get better!
So, here’s our Scripture-- Proverbs 31:23 (NIV): “Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.”
“Wives, are you giving and showing your husband the proper respect he deserves? To respect him is to admire and appreciate his achievements. Do you put him down to your friends? Do you embarrass him in public in the way you speak about him or treat him? Do you henpeck him or treat him like a little boy? Are you acting like his mom instead of his wife? Do you respect him with your words and actions?”
Lake, Wil. Togetherness: Couples Living Life Better Together (p. 37). WestBow Press. Kindle Edition.
Respect is huge! Your husband's greatest need is to be respected, affirmed, and encouraged. The ultimate gift you can give your marriage is to use words that elevate him, showing him respect and dignity. To see in your husband something that no one else sees (not even his mama) and then speak that into his life! He needs to know that you are crazy about him and that you believe in him! And when you have disappointments or areas in which you want your husband to do better- it's best to use the "sandwich method," which is basically you sandwich the comments between words of respect and belief in him. So, the meat of the sandwich is the "difficult" words that, if just blurted out, would cause harm, disagreement, and offense!
Proverbs 14:1 tells us that a “wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears it down.” That means, ladies, we have mighty influence in our homes that can build or ruin our family!
And here's one more little secret: most men—not all—but most, find intimate communication to be a challenge, and they don't handle well a ton of information thrown at them all at once. They really do best when you focus the conversation on just one topic at a time.
Prioritize ladies! When we choose the right words that encourage and edify, delivered at the right time, with focus and intention, it can be a game changer for your husband.
Oh, one universal piece of advice- don't bombard your husband with words right when he gets home from work. Give him a little breathing space- time to settle and decompress, and then ease into the conversation, communicating first and foremost that you've missed him and are eager to connect!
In a nutshell, every word counts, and meaningful conversation brings life to a marriage.
With this knowledge, let’s close with the commonalities and just a few practical tips.
Everyone wants to be valued and honored. Honor is shown with both our words and our actions.
Honor means you are selecting words that express love, kindness, and gentleness. You are controlling your emotions and volume. You aren't raising your voice, and you aren't using "ugly words.” Ugly words are angry words, foul or abusive language, insults, blaming, hijacking the conversation, and lack of empathy.
Actions that demonstrate honor are being an active listener, giving your undivided attention, making eye contact, watching your body language, acknowledging understanding by leaning forward, pressing in, even nodding your head—using verbal cues like "I see" and "Tell me more" and even asking clarifying questions—like "So, what you are saying is…"
The worst thing you can do is pick a time to discuss an important issue with your spouse when the house is in chaos, filled with distractions and interruptions, or your spouse is overwhelmed and has had a terrible day!
Timing is everything, and patience is a virtue!
And if you take nothing else away from this message, here are four "listening tips" that are tried and true:
1. Be respectful and responsive (be that active listener)
2. Give your undivided attention (turn the TV off, close that computer/iPad, and put away the cell phone!)
3. Listen with no agenda (this isn’t a competition & you don’t have to be right all the time) and
4. Listen to learn (discover something about your spouse—what are they feeling, believing, or saying about themselves or others?) And if you don't understand something, it's OK to interrupt—pause and ask them to help you understand better!
Ladies: Positive communication in our marriages is vital! We should be striving for camaraderie, joy, working together, and companionship. We should be those wise women who build up their homes and don't tear them apart, especially with our words. We are called to respect our husbands, and we must understand the importance of that calling. If you haven't done the best job in this area- it's OK, as there are no perfect wives. Today is a new day, and the best thing you can do for your marriage is to acknowledge your shortcomings and even apologize to your husband if you've ever failed to communicate from a place of respect. Start using your words with wisdom, gentleness, kindness, and deference. When you do- your home, your life, and your marriage will change for the better!
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